


Le Chat

by Three_Oaks



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotionally Repressed, Feelings, Life or Death Situation, Love Confessions, M/M, Talking, also benji has a cat, angstier than you would expect a fic with a cat to be, communication!, literal ticking bomb, sad spies, that's for both of them, they're both lonely in different ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27594362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Three_Oaks/pseuds/Three_Oaks
Summary: Benji may be about to die. He asks Ethan to look after his cat.
Relationships: Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt
Comments: 18
Kudos: 53





	Le Chat

**Author's Note:**

> The translation doesn't do it justice, but check out "Le Chat" by Charles Baudelaire!
> 
> My eternal gratitude to Roch for the suggestion.

The bomb was ticking, and Benji was running out of time. He knew that, Ethan knew that. It was their moment, their last moment, maybe. Benji hoped desperately that today, there would be a miracle again, just one more. Just one more.

But he was a field agent. He knew the risks. There was nothing, no one that mattered more than that. No one that would miss him but his cat.

"You need to run," Benji said, desperation bleeding in his voice like poison leeching from a wound. "It can't be the both of us."

He should have left already, he should have left five minutes ago, before the staircase collapsed and Jones's men surrounded the building. So why hadn't he?

"I can't. I can't leave you behind."

Quiet, nearly a whisper. Filled with fear, with rage.

"Ethan. If you don't leave right now, you'll die. You'll die for nothing. We'll fail."

At least Ethan would be safe. At least Ethan would be alive. Those were the words that his heart screamed, beat after beat, keeping the air rushing into his lungs and the blood running to his brain.

"I don't care!"

"We both know that's not true," Benji said, softer. The mission mattered, and Benji didn't. Ethan knew that better than anyone. He'd have to carry Benji with him, like all the teammates he'd lost, since that first mission in Prague. Benji hated himself a little for putting that weight on his shoulders.

"I forgive you. Go, Ethan."

He didn't move. He was trembling, Benji noticed, his fists clenched so hard that small drops of blood were dripping to the floor, as if they were marking the seconds going by. Benji wanted to pull him close, more than anything. Wrap his arms around his chest, rest his head against his hair, whisper soft lies into his ear. He indulged in that secret dream, one last time.

"Please, Benji. This can't be... this can't be it."

"Ethan, if you don't leave now and let me do my job, it's not a 99% chance that I will die, it's a 100% one."

This was quite certainly a lie, but if it made Ethan leave for safety, he had no scruples. There would be nothing holding him back anymore, once he was safe. The only one waiting on him was Sunny, and she was a cat. Who was to say she'd even notice he was gone?

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

God, seeing Ethan cry broke his heart.

"I know. I know, Ethan."

"I need to tell you..."

"Please take care of my cat," Benji interrupted.

Ethan stopped mid-sentence, looking at him wild, red eyes.

"Sunny. She's with the neighbors. Now, go!" he said, pushing Ethan towards the door. Well, that was sorted.

"Is that what you want, Benji?"

"Yes, I want you to get out of this goddamn building before it blows up, and look after my cat! Now get out!"

Pressure rose against Benji's temples. Slowly, the possibility that Ethan may simply refuse to leave, stay with him until there was a miracle, or there wasn't, to die or live, burned through his mind. The terror was beyond words. There was no reason, no reason for Ethan to risk his life today, with him.

"Ethan. I'm begging you," he whispered.

The words seemed to reach through whatever haze of pain Ethan was suffocating in, enough to make him take a few steps back. He looked at him, at the face of the man he'd loved for years, from afar, in secret. He'd never tell him, now. That was for the best.

"I'll come back, so you better take care of her," he said. A lie, a joke. What better last words?

"I promise, Benji."

With one last glance, Ethan left the room, and Benji was alone.

***

Ethan kneeled on the cold white tiles, and looked into Sunny's eyes. Amber, warm like honey or ale, fiery like the leaves in the last days of fall. Slowly, she blinked. He scratched her behind the ears, in that spot she liked, until she started purring. A smile escaped him.

"You sound like a buzzer, you know that?"

As usual, she didn't answer. It hadn't stopped him from talking to her yet.

He got up, and started to put away the dishes he'd used to cook himself breakfast. It hadn't been long enough for him to know where the dishes and the mugs were, where he should put the wooden spatula, and the plastic one. Not in the way you knew in your own kitchen.

It wasn't his own kitchen, after all. It was Benji's.

It has been Benji's.

Firmly, he pushed the words at the very back of his mind, where they weren't so loud anymore. The building hadn't exploded, they'd never found the body. Benji was alive. He was alive.

He could nearly make himself believe it, most of the time.

It was alright. He'd moved in after he'd been cleared, with orders to stay home and rest for a month. For once, he hadn't complained. Sunny had been glad to be home again. It made sense; the safe houses where he usually waited to be allowed in the field again weren't fit for a cat. They were barely fit for a human either, but he'd stopped minding that somewhere along the way. He couldn't remember when.

He hadn't dared to take the bed, so he slept on the couch. The fact that it was the most comfortable place he'd slept for more than a night in years wasn't making him feel especially good about his usual living arrangements, but why bother keeping a house when he was away most of the time?

That hadn't stopped Benji, apparently. There was art on the walls, half read books abandoned on the coffee table, recipes pinned to the fridge door, pictures of family Ethan didn't recognize. It was warm, and homely, and Benji in a way that he didn't know how to put into words.

He'd been here before, back when things were normal. Or as normal as they could be, for them. An evening, here and there. Some movie that Benji had to show him, a beer on a Saturday night, takeaway and office chitchat after a long day filling paperwork. He'd loved those glimpses into Benji's life, treasured them like rare, exotic pearls. It was like glancing though windows on a cold winter night, and seeing a home, and people, and warmth. It made him feel human.

It was always Benji who asked him to come over. Seeing those messages always made his heart skip several beats, or more. If it was Benji who asked, it must be fine, he told himself. Sometimes, he had to bite his tongue to remind himself not to bother him, not to assume too much. He was grateful enough for what they had.

All they'd had.

A soft thump on his left leg, begging round eyes.

"Do you want to come up, is that it?"

A meow was his sole answer.

He sat back, and Sunny jumped on his lap with an especially feline relish, patting his legs with just a hint of her sharp claws before settling down, purring some more.

Ethan could swear that cat was a telepath. Two or three nights ago, when he'd been kneeling on the cold bathroom tiles, retching after another dream full of smoke, and fire, and blood, she'd stayed pressed against his back until he'd found the strength to get up again, her warmth slowly dissolving the image of Benji, burned, dead. The mornings he struggled to get up from the couch, she sat on his chest like a little angry queen, aggressively licking his hair until he moved. He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve it.

"What am I going to do with you, hm?"

He couldn't stay there forever, pretending that Benji was going to walk through that door. Benji was dead, Benji had died three weeks ago because Ethan had abandoned him. And he hadn't even been able to tell him that he loved him. Selfish, so selfish, wanting to steal Benji's last instants for himself. He should have shot Jones when had the chance. He should never had let Benji on this mission. It should have been the one who died. He wanted to be the one who died.

His chest was full of the heavy tears he couldn't weep, pushing against his lungs, his heart, until he couldn't breathe. And still, he couldn't cry.

"Meow?"

Sunny sat up on his lap, and pressed her face against his. The soft hair tickled his cheek. She was warm, and alive. He buried his face into her hair, and she let him. The first tears escaped him, almost an accident, until he couldn't stop anymore, sobs wrecking his chest in painful spasm, so hard he couldn't move.

He cried until he was empty, Sunny in his arms.

***

Benji hurried along the dark, rainy streets of DC. It was freezing, and he clutched his stolen coat closer to his body, his teeth shaking. Nearly there. He was nearly there.

He shouldn't be going home, not right now. He should be at the IMF, telling them how he'd disarmed the bomb and infiltrated Jones's group, why he'd been unable to run for three weeks. How he'd taken the first opportunity he could, even if it was risky, even if it blew his cover.

He knew nothing would be waiting there, but he had to see.

Sunny would still be with Mrs. Shearer. Ethan would be somewhere, jumping off a roof, or paragliding down the Grand Canyon, or wherever he'd been sent next. Why would he bother with a cat? And why would he bother that Benji was gone?

He hoped he'd missed him, just a little. That he hadn’t forgotten him just yet.

Benji cast a few quick glances left, right, looking for anyone there to notice the strange man in clothes two sizes two large, forcing the lock of a well-to-do residential building. No one. It barely took him five seconds, before he could slip into the warm entrance. He ignored his reflection in the mirrors that lined the room, climbing the stairs three by three until he stood in front of his door. Deep breath. It would be empty, he'd get a good night of sleep and go pick Sunny up in the morning. Pathetic. It was pathetic to hope there would be anything else.

He forced the lock, cursed losing his keys, and went in.

"Sunny?"

She didn't come greet him, like she usually did, rubbing herself against his legs. He'd fallen over her once, nearly cracking his skull open on the commode, and still he looked forward to it every time he came back home. He sighed. He hated that it still hurt, even though he knew it would happen. How delusional was he, really?

He threw his coat on the ground, left his shoes in the middle of the hallway, and went into the living room.

"Meow."

Yellow eyes, glaring in the dark. Just enough light streaming in from the street that he could see her shape.

She was snuggled against Ethan's chest, standing watch as he slept. He was breathing softly, on his side, arms around Sunny and legs pulled up to his chest.

Benji didn't know what to do. He stood in silence and looked at the man he didn't dare to admit he was in love with, with his cat, on his sofa, as if it made perfect sense for him to be there.

Gently, Sunny pressed her head against Ethan's. He woke up with a start and sat up, careful not to disturb her.

"Benji?" he whispered, as if he wasn't entirely sure whether it was a dream or not.

"Yeah," Benji answered, turning the light on. Ethan winced. "Sorry about that!"

Damn, he looked exhausted. Had he been on another mission in between? Or had he been injured by Jones's men?

"You're alive."

He said that like it was a miracle, one that he couldn't believe just yet, waiting for it to disappear in smoke.

"Couldn't abandon poor Sunny here!" Benji said. A joke, because everything else was too terrifying to consider up close.

Before he could register what was happening, Ethan had gotten up, crossed the room, and pulled him into a tight hug. Awkwardly, Benji patted his back.

"Are you alright, buddy?"

Ethan let him go and took two, then three steps back, until he couldn't go further, his legs hitting the coffee table.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"No problem."

There was a long pause, as neither Benji nor Ethan seemed to know what to say.

"What are you doing here, Ethan?"

"You asked me to look after Sunny."

"I know that! But..." Thoughts stormed his mind, whirling, senseless. "You shouldn't be there."

Ethan looked as if he'd struck him. He recoiled, taking a step back, his shoulders falling, as if he was trying to make himself smaller, to make himself disappear.

Oh, god. That's not what he wanted. Ethan should never look that hurt, that insecure. Not because of him. He was flooded by the biting certitude that if he let Ethan go now, he would not come back.

"You can't be here because it doesn't make sense," he said, his voice shaking, struggling to articulate feelings that were larger than words. "It doesn't make sense that you'd stay stuck in my shitty flat, just because I asked you to look after my cat. It doesn't make sense that you'd cry, just because someone like me was going to die. It doesn't make sense that you wanted to stay, even when you could have left."

Ethan looked at him, that same glance in his eyes he had when he was about to leap into the void, knowing that he might die, because it was the only way forward. Benji wished he didn't know that look as well as he did.

"Benji. Loving you is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore," he whispered. "I love you. I love the way you look when you're about to figure it out, your smile when you say something kind. Hearing your voice, seeing you... it's the only thing that keeps me alive, some days. You make me want to be alive."

Benji felt tears, heavy and cold, running down his face, into his beard, dripping from his chin.

"And I can see that it doesn't make sense to you, right now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I ever let you believe you weren't loved."

Ethan took a deep breath.

"If you want me to leave, I will. But please... don't ever believe that you'd be forgotten."

Benji took his face into his hands. It was too much, too fast. Everything he'd hoped for, more maybe. But it was real, raw, painful. The relief and the longing and the loneliness tore at his chest until his heart was about to burst.

He slid to the floor, without a sound.

Ethan sat down, legs crossed, a few feet away. Benji was more grateful than he could voice. He didn't know what he would have done if he'd come closer.

He just needed to breathe.

"It's ok, Benji. It's ok."

Breathe, and stop feeling so damn much.

Something warm against his left side. Sunny. Purring as loud as she could. Slowly, he started stroking her soft fur, from the nape of her neck to her tail, over and over again in an hypnotic gesture.

He was home, he was safe. Ethan was there, Ethan had waited for him. Ethan loved him.

Something shifted, deep into his core.

He was loved.

"I think I'd like a hug now, if that's alright with you," he said, voice still marred by the tears.

Ethan scooped closer and put his right hand on his shoulder. There was no pressure, no pull, but Benji could feel its warmth through his shirt. He imagined he could even feel Ethan's pulse, beating, pumping blood and heat and love, love for him. In turn, he raised his hand to Ethan's face, feeling the softness of his skin, running his thumb along the lips he'd dreamed to kiss. Ethan let out a breath, half sigh, half whimper, and Benji couldn't remember why he wasn't in his arms yet, against his heart.

They fit together perfectly, his head against Ethan's neck, Ethan's head resting against his own, his hands clasping Ethan's shirt so tight he feared it would tear, Ethan's stroking his back, his hair. Their hearts beating together. Benji didn't know anymore where he ended, and where Ethan began.

"I love you," he whispered.

Only then did he realize that Ethan was crying, too.

***

When he woke up, Sunny was lying between them, her fur catching the first rays of the morning sun, fiery like a little demon. Ethan was still asleep, peaceful as he had never seen him before. He closed his eyes again. It felt like a new life.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I named my fic about a cat "The Cat", but in French for fancy points. Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading!


End file.
